What Would You Pay for Spring in Chicago?

I would give up February in a heartbeat.

After the rush of Christmas and the ChristKindleMarket and mulled wine and roaring fireplaces, all that's left is packing up the holiday decor and putting on more sweaters to keep the gas bill manageable.

So for the sake of the "If I had Oprah's Income" argument, what I would do with that kind of cash is tidy up from the holidays and head to the Caribbean for a month. We could still work from there as long as we had Internet access so it wouldn't be exactly a vacation. More like a work slow-down.

My husband would like to move south permanently, but not me. I do almost all the snow shoveling and secretly, I like to do it. Besides the fact that I can hold it over him, I mean. It's a finite job: the walk from the house, driveway down one side and up the other, long sidewalk to the south, short sidewalk to the north and done. During that time, it's preternaturally quiet. Sometimes sunny. Sometimes starry. Good exercise.

I have to admit that this past winter, when it snowed every freaking day for what seemed like months, I did get a little tired of it. Mainly because hoisting huge shovels full of snow, lifting from the knees, of course, got harder and harder as the snow pile got taller and taller and I had to throw my shovelful higher and higher. Whew!

But now, with the crocus fading, the daffodils blooming and the scent of hyacinth wafting across my garden, NOTHING is more wonderful than Spring in Chicago. I wouldn't miss this time of year if Belize begged me to stay.

I don't know if Oprah is a gardner. Or if she sits outside on a warm Spring afternoon and watches the robins poking for worms. She might have to pay more for her Spring experience to insure her privacy, but that wouldn't make her Spring experience better.

Still, as much as I REALLY appreciate Spring after a Chicago winter, I think a few weeks of January and a few weeks of March is plenty to get me in the mood. I think I could easily donate February to Belize and make it back in time for the crocus.

What Is Our Work Worth?

The Salary Reporter says that Oprah makes about $31,392 an hour. My son is looking to find summer work and hopes to make around $8. The graphics designers I work with ask for between $25 and $60 an hour. The Internet Consultant charges $120 per hour to consult with me and I thought that was kinda high.

Don't forget that all of the previous jobs, except Oprah's of course, only pay the hourly rate during the hours that the workers actually work! Oprah's income keeps rolling in even while she's sleeping. Or eating. Or having a massage.

Mmmm! Massage! I'm afraid massages are no longer on my current budget. At least not professional ones.

It is absolutely incomprehensible to me how I would feel if I were making $31,392 an hour. I don't feel "deprived" at my current salary. Yes, I have some money worries such as paying the next college tuition bill for my kids. But from what I read, those who make many more dollars than I do still have money worries because their bills are proportionately higher.

So what have you gained?

All Oprah's Money Can't Make Her Thin

So Oprah's admitting to 200 pounds -- even with a personal trainer, chef, and oodles of money to spend on herself.

What that means to me is that all those as-seen-on-tv products that help you "lose weight while you sleep" and let you "eat all you want" can't possibly work. If you had Oprah's income wouldn't you try every product you could buy in between bites of every bad-for-you food you love and can afford?

So don't waste your money on diet junk. If it worked, Oprah would be thin.

Maybe being broke and cheap is what keeps me from being 200 pounds like her. I can't afford all that junk food, and I refuse to have to pay for medical care for the damage it does to my body.

Such a revelation could be the next big diet fad! I give you permission to buy all the products from my new diet plan.

Then I can be rich -- like Oprah!

But will that make me fat -- like Oprah?

Well, I can't possibly get that fat 'cause I can't possibly get that rich!

What a relief!

And the Rich Keep Getting Richer...

Okay, it's now officially a recession.

I watched a cheery documentary on the Great Depression and the Dust Bowl last night. You can't help but wonder if this one bad year will drag on for a decade. Weathering one lean year is way different from trying to weather a decade.

One of the ways I'm keeping costs down this Christmas without cutting out gifts altogether is to use up the points from my credit cards. Although I never carry a balance, I also never carry cash, so the cards get used a lot and we do rack up some serious points. Especially this year when we found out we can charge the kids' college tuition bills!

Which made me wonder about Oprah. If she uses Discover and charges her dinners out, her clothes, her groceries like the rest of us, imagine the points she racks up! I bet she gets more in freebies than our household spends in a year!

I wonder what she does with her points? With my cards, there's a cash option and I think there's a donation option as well. Some of the points can be redeemed for double their value, like at Blockbuster. No one can watch that many movies!

$500 Million to Keep India's Smokers from Lighting Up

I guess it's just pocket change to Bill Gates and Michael Bloomberg, but together they have pledged that many millions to fund smoking cessation programs in India, China and Africa. That's sure swell of them. It's today's top story in Newsday.

Yesterday's Daily Herald explained how staying healthy may be more taxing on our health care systems rather than less. As Froma Harrop said "Let's put it bluntly: Longer lives cost more money."

If I had $50 million burning a hole in my pocket, I think I would build a really awesome boarding school, like Hogwarts. Then I would collect all the children whose supposed guardians are starving them, beating them and destroying their souls. I stayed home to raise my own children, and I firmly believe that's the best way. But there are people who, while they can biologically produce children, are absolutely incapable of raising them and should be kept as far away as possible.

I think many kids would choose a cool Hogwarts-style orphanage rather than take a gamble on a foster family that may or may not work out. Of course there are wonderful foster families out there, but there are also bad ones and way too many kids have way too few options.

But sleeping in four-poster bed in a turret with your best friends? It worked for Harry.

One Word: Massage!

Have you ever had a massage? By a professional? I bet Oprah gets them all the time. Probably they come to her house, massage her into wet noodle bliss and leave her there in scented-candle heaven with a cup of warm chamomile tea.

I've had one professional massage. I received a gift certificate for a second one on Valentine's Day. I never thought I would like this sort of thing. Seemed so decadent. You can get most men to do it for free. But it's a very different atmosphere when you pay someone to do it. You don't have to worry about taking turns and nurturing the relationship. You just have to be clean, polite and grateful, and grateful is easy to manage when you feel so relaxed!

If I had Oprah's income, I'd have a massage at least once a week. In my house so I don't have to dress and clean the snow off my car to get home. I'd just drift off while wrapped in my Turkish towel bathrobe with new age music and birdsong playing in the background. The masseuse can let herself out.

A Win-Win Landlord

Driving my daughter home from her piano lesson, we passed a house for sale. It was sort of boring. From the 1960's, I would guess. But if I had Oprah's income, I think I would have bought that house and set up a senior home sharing sort of thing in it.

This house was perfect for retired people, and I mean the traditional definition of retired, not the "active" retired who are busier than they were when they were working. Being a ranch, there were no stairs, and it had a long porch across the front that looked over the street and straight into the infield of a grammar school baseball diamond.

Wouldn't it be cool to for four or six retired people to be able to mosey out onto the porch and watch the kids play ball on nice afternoons? Maybe they would invite the kids over for lemonade. Then later, they could talk about it while they were making dinner together in their cozy kitchen. That's got to be way better than a lonely apartment or a sterile senior facility.

Who's Making Really Big Money?

This is from a three-year old article, so I imagine they're only making more today:

Name: Annual Income - Hourly Wage* - $/30sec.

Oprah Winfrey: $162 million - $81,600/hr. - $679.99

Tiger Woods: $72.2 million - $38,600/hr. - $321.66

*Based on a 40-hour work week.

And here's another site that tells you how much some Rich Bastards are worth.

I'd Treat My Nose Like a Queen

To save a few pennies, I buy house brand tissue most of the time. If it's allergy or cold season, I swap out the cheap brand for a name brand. And when I have a really awful cold, I splurge on Puffs, sometimes even with lotion!

If I had Oprah's income, I'd have a box of Puffs in every room of the house, all the time!